I thought things were going to be different when I moved here. I thought it was going to be this really life-changing experience–the kind that every great human being in history has like the Legend of Zelda. Every game, Link leaves his hometown and is immersed in a world full of wonder. There is always adversity too. There is supposed to be, but Link never fails to overcome it. And through all of these experiences he grows, until one day, years later, he returns home as a much stronger, wiser, and better Link. That didn’t happen for me though. Then again there isn’t really a world of difference between Las Vegas and Reno, the latter being just a bit more decrepit. Still, I thought surely something would change.
I had mad wanderlust in my hometown of Vegas. I was a stargazer definitely–a kid deeply inspired by remarkable people. I wanted to lead a life that was significant–unlike anybody else’s, but with the same guiding principles of the role models I looked up to. It may have been too much to ask of myself. I didn’t even know exactly what it was I wanted to contribute to the world, but I had already adopted a psyche which measured self-worth by the degree of human achievement, of which, I had none. That was probably where I went wrong. I carried this shame for not already having anything “great” under my belt. The shame lead to self-hatred. The self-hatred lead to depression. And now I find myself in this strange state where I feel nothing is worth pursuing anymore. It’s like super boredom. There is no candy that is sweet enough, no love that is tender enough. My depression has become existential. What’s the point of it all?
There is a quote from the cult film, Fight Club, I really like. It’s one of Brad Pitt’s character’s line. It goes:
“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”
Everything becomes so clear when you hit rock bottom. My father was an immigrant from Mexico. His father used to beat the crap out of him as a kid. It was the kind of abuse that, if it happened in the U.S. child services would go apeshit. My dad told me there was a point when he felt like giving up. There isn’t much to expect out of life for a poor kid in Mexico City let alone a kid that was beaten to a pulp everyday. So he tried drowning in the ocean. Unfortunately, his attempts failed since he kept coming back up for air whenever he ran out of breath. It was at this point, however, that my father realized he truly had nothing to lose. That was the lowest point of his life. Anything, however small he could get out of life, would be a step up from that point on. And as a present-day homeowner in the U.S who more or less successfully raised 2 not-so-bad kids, I’d say he took a pretty incredible leap.
He’s the reason my rock bottom is based on excessive boredom rather than something more tangible or life-threatening. The last thing I wanna do is be ungrateful to the man. I got this pretty sweet laptop, high speed internet, and access to a college education. I figure that’s more than enough for me to contribute something to the world. Even if that something isn’t all too significant or incredible, it’s still gonna be something. It’s still an achievement relative to my abilities. For now at least, that’s what will keep me going.
I’m gonna be here blogging a whole lot of nothing for a while, so please bear with me.