Girl of college-age on being complimented on her virginity during a doctor’s visit. An anonymous submission.
I hate that I feel like me having sex would disappoint random people in my life. My doctor. My boss. My roommate’s parents.
It’s like they’ll see me as a different person.
Suddenly, I’m a slut. I’ve lost virtue and purity. I guess it just frustrates me that everyone is allowed to have an opinion on my sexuality. I’m not supposed to have sex. But the porn industry is thriving. If I have sex with someone I love the world will stop. But non virgins can make sex tapes because they’ve already crossed over.
Will I still get jobs after I have sex? Will I hold any value as a person at all? Is my value as a human being directly related to the presence of my hymen? Why is this a thing that I am subjected to?
I’ve never classified my value by my virginity.
When did society decide that should become a thing?
It’s not fair to have my entire community trying to forge me a chastity belt. Trying to make me their virginal crusader. Making me feel my worth is dependent on the tightness of my vagina.
I hate feeling like having sex will make me less of a person.
And the thing that I hate the most is that I feel the desire to please them. The urge to keep my virginity so I can remain human to them. If I fit in their box I’m not off limits. I hear myself saying things to reassure them that sex isn’t on my mind yet.
But I have a condom in my bedside table drawer. I’m a fake. And that’s the worst part of all. I can’t even own up to not being a person anymore. I’m too afraid of what I might become to them.
I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be proud of my decisions about my body. About my relationship. But I see that look on their faces and suddenly I know if I say anything real they will disregard me as having a viable opinion forever. I’ll be just another teenage girl playing Russian roulette with STDs and pregnancy. Starting down the road of promiscuity.
I want to feel ready. I want to feel brave enough to stand behind such actions. To tell them it’s my body and my choice. That I wouldn’t do anything that I thought was bad for me. I’m not going to do it on a whim. And even if I did, it would be my decision.
Though I’ve decided casual sex isn’t for me, it isn’t inherently bad. The women who pursue it aren’t lost souls. Searching for validity in sexual partners. Perhaps some are, but that could be said for married women with one partner. Maybe these women just like sex. And that doesn’t make them evil, wrong, broken, tainted, or incomplete.
I’m just sad that I feel so alone in this process.
Like, not even my doctor would help me without judgment.